Sometimes I sit and wonder what it feels like to be loved. To be loved by someone you have desired for so long, that it finally feels like God has answered everything you’ve been wishing for. What does that feel like? I wish I knew.
There is only one boy I can say I’ve ever fallen in love with, and he’s crushed me to the point that I’m scared I won’t ever be able to love again. Will I ever forget him? A part of me wants to, so badly. Another part of me is scared that if I do forget him, I’ll forget the way he made me feel. The joy whenever he laughed at one of my jokes, the butterflies that erupted when he would compliment me, the smiles that popped up on my face when his name appeared on my phone screen. I’m afraid that these good memories I have of him will disappear, and I”ll only be left with bad memories. The ache in my chest I felt when I would miss him and we would stop talking, the betrayal I felt when he would visit home and choose to visit someone other than me, the despair that I felt after he had confirmed what I had been thinking all along. But what if all of these feelings disappeared? I think that would be equally scary. What if I forget the pain he caused me, and I let myself go through that again with someone else? How will I protect myself?
There is a boy. A new one, who has caught my attention and made me feel the same way he used to make me feel. This boy is different. Less cute, but with a softer, more gentle personality. I actually feel joy around him, something that has been overshadowed by my sadness for so many months, and whenever I make him smile, I forget about things that worry me. But I don’t have hopes for this. Deep down, there is a part of me that knows what I want to occur never will. He’s too beautiful of a person. Kind, intelligent, funny. I’m not the only one who thinks this way. Almost everyone who meets him is entranced by him. Even if the obstacle that blocks my path is cleared, there is still a 99% chance that this will never happen. The saddest part of it all is that I would still be willing to try for that 1% chance of it occurring. But I know I shouldn’t. I would rather keep him in my life has a happy memory before ruining it and tainting his beautifulness. So for now, I’ll admire him from afar.